Ever found yourself hesitating to say no, thinking it’s a skill reserved for the ultra-confident “boss babe” types?

If you’ve struggled to assert your boundaries without compromising authenticity or relationships, you’re not alone. Many high-achieving professional women face this challenge as they navigate the demands of both career and motherhood.

In this episode of Living True by Design Podcast, hosted by Dr. Libby Schanzmeyer, we dive deep into the art of confidently saying no and explore the inner core belief area of embodied boundaries. Dr. Libby unveils the challenges tied to early experiences and core beliefs about saying no, offering insights into transforming these challenges into opportunities for growth.

🌟BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:

• The Power of Early Experiences: Understand how your childhood experiences shape your default responses and learn to soften and have compassion for yourself.
• Cultivating Supportive Relationships: Discover the importance of fostering connections with emotionally mature individuals who respect your boundaries.
• Embodied Boundaries for True Freedom: Explore the concept of embodied boundaries and how they lead to authentic living, true freedom, and mastery over your own life.
  
  

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Professional Bio

Are you a high-achieving, ambitious professional working mother, feeling trapped in the whirlwind of your demanding career and family responsibilities? Overwhelmed by stress, busyness, and societal expectations? Drained of energy and struggling to find balance while silently battling guilt and unfulfillment?

Welcome to a transformative journey a certified lifestyle medicine physician, experienced yoga and meditation teacher, and a mother of three. In this immersive podcast, she provides a path to authenticity, purpose, and vitality. Through tailored coaching programs, Dr. Libby Schanzmeyer equips you with the tools and strategies to regain balance and create a life aligned with your true self.

Our listeners, our clients, are high-achieving professional working mothers who have successfully transformed their lives with life design. They’ve overcome stress, found peace within their careers and personal lives, and are thriving.

Discover how to harmoniously balance your professional and personal life, relieve stress, and find your true purpose. Learn time management techniques, prioritize self-care, and regain meaning in life. Join Dr. Libby Schanzmeyer and begin your journey towards a life of ease, vitality, and impact, where authenticity leads the way.


Welcome to Living True By Design Podcast!

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Podcast Episode Transcript

Have you ever struggled to say no and thought maybe that is only for this ultra confident boss babe kind of person?

In this episode, we’re gonna uncover how to confidently say no and how to do it where we don’t compromise our authenticity or our relationships.

Last week we talked about the levels of NO, we have the outer level, the middle layer, and then the inner core belief area. So this is the area that we’ll continue on today about the inner core belief area or embodied boundaries. So we will be talking about that.

So for me, I thought I could learn these skills and say no once I knew my nonviolent communication or read a book about saying no. I thought I could learn it in my head. Turns out that’s not the whole story. Things in our head like those outer layers, like a script or this technique with feelings and needs and empathy, those are wonderful. And they’re still techniques though. And they’re still more in our brain and in our conscious thinking.

So today we’re gonna look a little bit more under those and look at a little more subconscious thinking. And this is very much related to life design in that we don’t want to have to function from this automatic default response. And when we’re not able to say no with confidence and authenticity, we’re living in a default life. That is not a life that is driven by us.

That is driven by some old beliefs, old things that maybe we learned as a kid or who knows where we picked up along the way. But those are other things that are driving us, not our authenticity, wisdom and truth.

in this episode, we’ll be talking a little bit about some areas of challenge that might be a real challenge when we’re learning to say no, because it’s something that is wired into us into our default. But that doesn’t mean we can’t change it. And I have so much hope about this because our brain, we have neuroplasticity, our brain can change, and so can we. And doing that,

Means we can function with more authenticity and freedom, true freedom, true freedom. So.

First we’ll talk about our understanding our early experiences, then recognizing our own worth. We’ll also talk about cultivating better boundaries with better relationships and fostering healthy relationships. We’ll also talk about some key truths for embodied empowered boundaries.then we’ll talk about

Some truths about these core beliefs and empowered embodied boundaries.

And I’d like to say this episode is largely inspired by the work of Lachelle Lohcharday. And I’ll put her name down in the link. She’s a nonviolent communication trainer and she’s done some really neat work about this and I really admire her. And I wanted to share this with you because it’s very powerful and very helpful.

So when we’re gonna have embodied boundaries, we will have to stand in the validity of our own truth. this sounds kind of obvious or sounds kind of, you know, like.

Okay, of course, why wouldn’t I? But when people have different opinions than us, it gets easy to get out of that and think maybe ours isn’t as valid for some reason. But we are really talking about standing in the validity of our own experience and our own knowing. And once we’re in that and we have certainty around that, then the other things fall into place. We’ve really been going about this backwards with this idea that we just have to build up our confidence or build up the script, or this understanding on our neocortex, our outer brain and have the right language. Well, that definitely helps, but we need this inner core knowing that our experience is valid, that our needs are just as important as everyone else’s in order… to have our boundaries with ease. And then that’s mastery, then that’s freedom.

I heard this quote, and it says, trimmer in the truth. And there’s that thing about, I might be standing there shaking, but I’ll still speak the truth. So, trimmering in the truth. Sometimes I found when I’m learning things like this or speaking truth in a different way, it is scary. And it’s important to discern for yourself where you want to land on that. 

There’s some situations that might not be safe and comfortable to speak your truth in.we have to really be conscious of it. And especially as we’re growing these muscles, it can be difficult. That’s why one of the things we’re gonna talk about today is fostering supportive relationships.

But first we’ll talk about the power of our early experience. growing up, how was no related to? were you allowed to say no? Were your parents allowed to say no? Did you have one person that could say no and one person that couldn’t say no? what was that like? How was that being you? And what did you learn about that? That’s some of the deep programming that

If we have some awareness around, we can soften and have compassion for ourselves and be like, you know, I didn’t even learn this skill. So I’m learning it now. Good for me. good for you if you are learning this skill, because it’s, I think it’s like learning a foreign language.  when you’re a kid and you learn a foreign language, you just pick it up as you go. But as an adult and you’re trying to learn a language, there’s a lot of thinking and

It’s kind of a steep learning curve to get on to learn these things. So I want to say that I’m applauding you if you’re even attempting to learn these things. And a lot of people don’t, a lot of people just go through their lives, plotting along without changing things and really developing the capacity to design their life, to be in charge of their life, to be honest about what’s working for them and what’s not. So,

This is a path to freedom and mastering your own life. So I am applauding you for that. We want to look at our early experiences and how those influence us and how those have shaped us and what our default is. When we need to say a no, do we try to avoid it? Do we fight it? Do we… just go along with it because that’s the path of least resistance? Do you have a pattern that you learned as a child that might still be with you? So those can be some significant challenges and we could even call them opportunities for areas because once we identify the challenging areas, then it is an opportunity, right? Like if I know I have, and I still do.

I have times when I really wanna avoid a conversation or a topic or saying no. And I’m aware of it now though, and it’s gotten so much easier cause I’m like, okay, I know I’m avoiding this. What are we gonna do? Let’s just rip off the bandaid and get through it, right? Have that difficult conversation, do the thing. other challenges that might have influenced us growing up is letting other people decide for us. Maybe we didn’t grow up with someone asking our opinion. I think that’s very common.

And we didn’t develop that muscle for deciding for ourselves. We also may not have grown up knowing that our needs are as important as other people’s needs. I think I definitely grew up this way of seeing an example as a woman, you put other people’s needs ahead of yours and if there’s something left over for you, that’s great. But if there’s not, then that’s okay. You just keep going, right?

And so that’s a conscious learning of knowing that our needs are as valid and important as other people’s needs. Of course, there’s a sense of being worthy. That can be a… default thing, like I don’t feel worthy. And if you don’t feel worthy, it’s gonna be so difficult to say no, even if you have a script and you have all this empathy and you have all the thing, if you don’t have this belief in your heart that you’re worthy, which by the way, you are because you’re on the planet. And beyond that, you have contributed amazing things because we wouldn’t be connected here if you didn’t because you’re interested in this.

So there’s no doubt in my mind. But that can be a true challenge if there’s some doubts about worthiness, a true challenge to saying no. another challenge that comes up with these core beliefs about saying no is keeping people around that don’t respect your boundaries. And that’s a really difficult thing.

because sometimes it’s our family and we have to figure out how to deal with this. And even if you can’t immediately just like kick people out of your life, which how many people can really do that? It’s a process, right? But, one thing that I do know is that if we are trying to make a change, we want to replace it with something before we let the… other thing go, I think Gandhi talked about that. instead of saying, I’m gonna cut these people out and these people and these people and they don’t respect my boundaries, they’re outta here, which is tempting and that’s totally okay if that’s what you wanna do. But if you find that difficult, another option is to cultivate relationships with emotionally mature people. And then the other relationships will take care of themselves. They just won’t get as much of your attention.

And where your focus goes, your energy goes. And so your energy will be pouring into people that are encouraging and mature and have your best interest at heart and can respect your boundaries more than maybe some other people. So those are some areas of challenge when we’re talking about embodying a level of boundaries.

That might be different from where you were.

One other challenge I’d like to mention is when your needs are different from other people’s needs. A lot of times it’s easy to advocate for ourselves when everybody else wants the same thing. If we all wanna go get a cup of coffee at 8.30, then great. But if we’re the one, if the group, three people wanna go get a cup of coffee at 8.30 and you wanna go at eight, it can be difficult.

To say that and it’s just another challenge that is good to be aware of because I can fall into that trap and like, oh, well, everybody wants to do that, so that’s fine. But if it’s really not meeting a need, and a lot of times it is fine, we don’t have to be difficult and define ourselves as difficult and want something to be different just for the sake of it being different, but if something legitimately,

Is a factor, that’s okay. That’s your truth and you are allowed, you are worthy, you are powerful enough to stand in your own certainty and your own.

Validity. Those are some challenges that we might face when we are moving from this outer layer of script and empathy into this core area of.

Our core beliefs and our embodiment of our boundaries and our embodiment of our no.

And recognizing our worth.

Sometimes even seeking validation or permission from other people, that can be a default pattern or habit that we’ve learned. And if we’re seeking permission from other people, then that’s a core belief or a core functioning that makes the other scripted saying no thing’s really difficult, challenging so we’ve looked at those, some challenges about saying no that are probably tied to our early childhood experiences. I’d encourage you to consider what you learned growing up saying no. And I would love to hear in our Facebook group what challenges you may have faced and what you learned about no growing up. So head on over to our Facebook group and comment on that, I would love to hear from you. Moving on though.

I touched on this and we’re gonna talk a little bit more in depth here about cultivating relationships with people who really do respect your boundaries. It seems like there’s a lot of energy and talk about, oh, well, people don’t, so and so doesn’t respect my boundaries. So what am I gonna do about that? Well, okay, we can talk about that and that’s important. But for the long term.

Cultivating relationships with people that do respect our boundaries will be more life-serving and will be just help us elevate our lives versus continually beating our head against the wall metaphorically with people that aren’t going to respect what we’re doing. By definition, if you have to have boundaries with someone and it’s a difficult thing,

Basically they’re not respecting your boundaries, right? Like someone that does will give you space. So that’s what we’ll talk about here. 

So people that we want to nourish our relationships with that do respect our boundaries, 

What does it even look like to find people that you want to nourish relationships with? Who are the people that will respect a boundary? What does that look like? How do we figure out which people we wanna cultivate relationships with, right? Like, I don’t know, I’ve kind of found that I build relationships with people I get along with, maybe at work or kids.

Friends, parents, things that come up, but I haven’t articulated exactly what to look for. So here’s a few things to look for in people that do respect your boundaries, that you can grow relationships with because they respect who you are. So a few of those, they affirm you, they validate what you’re saying, they may not, this is not saying they’re always gonna agree.

But they can hear you and understand what you’re saying is valid. They will give you room for response, allow a response, they won’t talk over you or try to change what you’re saying. They’ll allow you space for your response. They don’t make assumptions. They don’t just assume you’re thinking this or that and they take responsibility for themselves.

And another thing is that they look for mutuality. And that means they look for things that benefit you both. That, yeah, we agree on this. Let’s both give each other space. I don’t know, we both wanna eat dinner at our own houses tonight, and then tomorrow we’ll have dinner together at a restaurant, whatever it is. But they look for mutual beneficial situations.

So that’s what to look for in people that we would want to build relationships with that do respect our boundaries.

I also want to mention areas of our life that might need boundaries. I think we don’t define it and it just helps to name it sometimes. So some of the areas that are important to have boundaries that we’re working on embodying are time boundaries about what we have time to physically do.

Emotions, energy, and our own values. So those are four areas that are really important that affect your quality of life enormously, right? And so this is just our personal boundaries and I’ll just go back through those real quickly one more time. Time, emotions, energy, and values. Those are four areas that are important to consider

and actively look for people that do respect our personal boundaries in those areas.

And then, you know, when we talk about cultivating these relationships, again, it’s not about cutting people out. It’s about where we’re putting our energy and our focus. And so where we put our focus that grows and it’s like, you know, where you’re watering the lawn. If you lawn water one of the lawn that’ll grow and then the other areas won’t. So if we put our focus and energy on people that are uplifting and respect our personal boundaries, that will grow and flourish.

Then one last consideration about people to look for that are respectful of your boundaries. They are people that understand the difference in me and you. And by that, I mean there’s a me and there’s a you and there’s a we. And we don’t get those mixed up. Some, you know, there’s different, like a mesh and codependent. There’s all these like psychological terms.

But basically, we can sometimes get confused about what’s my business and your business and our business. And look for someone that respects you as you and them as them and us as we, right? There’s me, you and us. And so if you have boundaries in one area,

They are okay with that. They’re not threatened by that because they have their own life. They have their own being. They’re not trying to merge with you for some psychological reason or something. They’re in their own selves. And by having that healthy boundary, then you can really build a close, true connection, healthy relationship, mature, emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent relationship with someone like that.

Knows the difference embodies their own boundaries. there’s a saying about good fences make great neighbors. And that’s true with boundaries. Good boundaries make great neighbors. And I would add that this embodied boundaries makes the best neighbors or best friends because

You don’t have to think through it as much and it’s not as intellectual. And if you have it embodied, it will take care of itself instead of having to like process this and that. You can make habits, make new changes of the way you’re gonna communicate and that really makes life wonderful because then instead of just hearing a no, I would hear, oh, they don’t wanna go to the store with me because they’re getting ice cream with their kids or something. And then that’s so joyful for me because then I can celebrate, oh.

They’re gonna get ice cream, that’s so fun, you know? So that’s a fun way to do it. And then they all combine together, you know? And so my wish for you is to go from the script to the empathy, to the embodied boundaries, and live in the validity and certainty of your own experience and honor that.

So.

Come by the Facebook group, the connection is down below. Share if you have an early experience of no and how that was for you and how that impacted you today, if that still does impact you today. Let’s support each other. Come to the group, we have support, connection, it’s a really fun place to connect with people. And

Let’s grow and embody our no together.

This week, I encourage you to see if there’s a time you say no and see how that feels in your body. See if you feel hesitation or maybe excitement, like, oh, I get to practice this awesome new skill.

And I encourage you to reflect on the value of your own needs, the validity of your own experience, and maybe even the people around if they do allow you space for your experience and validate who you are and what you’re saying and trying to do on the earth.

And I would like to leave you with this to remember.

So those are ways, those are challenges along with also ways of strengthening your no muscle.

I’m encouraging you to seek out validation and people that do respect your boundaries. You don’t have to create people that respect your boundaries. There’s people out there.

Learn to discern between those people.

And remember your needs are valid. 

And please remember this week, I’m gonna say always, and I never say always or never, but always, unquestionably, without a doubt, you are so worthy of consideration, dignity, and respect in all interactions, and it’s okay to stand in that and know that, and celebrate that beyond just knowing it.

I celebrate that in you.

In our next episode, we are diving deep into the tired mom trend and unraveling the concept of kin keeping and emotional labor. Have you heard of kin keeping? Leave me a comment, have you heard of kin keeping?

Join us as we explore why it’s important to see and understand these invisible efforts, these invisible labor that women, usually women provide. And it leaves women feel so depleted and drained.

We’re gonna learn how acknowledging the validity of emotional labor can lead to more equitable and fulfilling family dynamic. Join us next time.